Right after the honeymoon I remember getting asked, and more than once, with a sort of gentle jab in the side and a wink, "So, when do you expect to start making babies?"
It was in my jarred response that suddenly I knew I had forgotten to make the connection of marriage with such, dare I say, multiplicative properties. (In fact, I think I challenge a kung-fu fight in my head with anyone when they make that sort of implication to me. If only they knew what I was thinking.) But after getting over my initial repulsion at what seemed an absurdly irrational idea at the moment, I thought maybe this lack of thought on my part was merely due to my frazzled state of mind from planning and executing a wedding in three weeks time, or that just maybe it was an idea I should get used to thinking about.
Well, to bring things up to speed currently, I can confidently state that everyone has and continues to tell me things like the following, "Oh honey, some day you will want them, when you're ready." I have no intention of dishonoring the mothers out there by candidly discussing this topic--especially for the sake of my own awesome mom, plus my first hand experience with one of my very best friends that is a mother of two. However, although I am consistently fascinated by the relationship a mother has to her children, I simply don't understand it. Although I naturally enjoy other people's children, I instinctually call down anyone that suggests these actions mean I am displaying some sort of "baby fever" behavior. I'm even down with the whole family unit idea in general, but holy crap, will I ever make babies? Right now, that's like asking can I shoot myself without committing suicide?
Fast forward again, specifically to today when I have concluded there is most definitely something in the water at work. Two of the ladies in my department, both good friends of mine, are pregnant. Two managers are on or shortly going on maternity leave. One male partner is on paternity leave. Another manager just got back from maternity leave and regularly makes use of our "mother's room" for breast-feeding. One of the female partners that actually has kids, asserts her ease of raising them with a live-in nanny. So, with the extent that I am surrounded by "oh the surprise!" people making babies, the question has again come directly at me. When are you going to make them? I get dumbfounded looks when I display the sheer honest fact that I have not given it much thought. Most women will do anything for their babies, but will also do anything to get ready to start making them. Still I answer emphatically negative to my friends, but my intrigue for the topic continues to grow furiously. Why are women prone to the "babies or bust" idea?
Overall, I just wonder, how can I be so dense on a topic that is expected as self-explanatory to a woman?
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3 comments:
Soooooo, when are you going to have kids?
Ok really, I find this phenomenon interesting as well. Fortunately, my wife's immediate family and my own family are not pushy about this, so we don't hear these things very often at all. It mainly comes from people who do not understand our own minds and situations. My explanation: they presume that we are following a normal state of affairs, with all the good intentions in the world so I certainly can't blame them.
A second explanation could come strictly from biology (note: I do not think this is a BAD thing whatsoever). Simply put, these folks with kids are so attached to them (and RIGHTFULLY SO of course) that they can't imagine waiting any longer than they have to to proceed in having kids. And who knows, maybe when Katy and I have our first we'll think the same thing!
In the end, it's just a funny thing about humans and procreation. 20 years from now, we'll all look back and laugh...
My family (both sides) is not pushy about this either. Rather, they do exhibit a healthy degree of "eager anticipation," which is to me, of course, fine. What does bother me is the mentality I see in different places that the decision to have children begins through some sort of mystical inspiration for having them. I tend to think that bringing a thinking, feeling, reasoning human being into this world should be an act done with careful thought and planning beforehand. It's especially not something done purely for one's own interests, since it's not a possession or piece of property that is at stake.
On your other point, I do see something incredible that changes in people once they have children - another reason why one should be adequately prepared for such a profound undertaking. Frankly, this change terrifies me. We're not having kids until I'm completely over that.
You're right, I will be laughing 20 years later, especially when my kids get to read this...
I have an answer... but it may be too blunt for this conversation.
Yeah, of course we all know the biological/evolutionary reasons why people want to have babies: survival.
But despite our relatively successful rise to the top of the food-chain, women still want babies. Why? Three reason... suburbia, boredom and suburbia. Let me explain.
Since our little flight from towns and cities in the late 60s-90s people have become increasingly bored. Once they are stifled by the reality that there is not a damn thing to do in their mundane suburban lives, the psychology of past investment kicks in. Just as they do with religion and other lifestyle choices, people have too much pride and fear to let go of something untrue if they've believed it for long enough. This is not much different. "BUT I'M LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM" they scream from the tops of Wal-Marts, Malls and supermarkets. This kind of denial leads them to refuse to acknowledge the subconscious realizations that life in American suburbs SUCKS. They proceed to replace that reality with the manufactured epiphany that their maternal clocks are sounding alarms and what they really need is a baby or two.
3 or 4 years down the line they realize that having a baby didn't make them happier at all. Constantly pestered about how they like having kids by women who are trying to understand the motivation for having children, they convince themselves that this has somehow made their lives better and more "interesting". They then proceed to harass every women they know about when they will enter this new realm of boredom called "child-rearing".
And so completes the cycle - suburbia, boredom, suburbia.
My two cents anyway.
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